Actually, this post would more suitably be titled bottom three: I’ve Read So Far This Year, for today I will explore the depths of inferior literature. If your senses are easily offended, I recommend you stop reading and spend your time instead looking at pictures of gambolling kittens or rainbows with smiley faces. During the reading of these three books, I was clutching at my IQ points as they scrambled away, desperate to remove themselves from the presence of these mind-numbing, intelligence-squandering, enjoyment-slaughtering books.
Briar Rose by Jana Oliver
Die. Die in a hole along with all of my high hopes for you. This was during a fairy-tale retelling kick inspired by Cinder- but Briar Rose, along with all of its horrifically boring characters and childish writing, cut this enthusiasm in half with a sword. Briar, whilst stuck in a world full of bloodthirsty wolves and crazed fairies complains about drinking unpasteurised milk. To add to her idiocy, at the moment her mother tells her she will fall into eternal sleep in one hour, instead of questioning her mothers cognitive functioning, Briar puts on her favourite dressing gown, surrounds herself with candles, and goes to bed. It’s people like Briar who should be banned from producing offspring; otherwise the gene pool would become too mentally impaired to do more than grunt or slobber. Worst features: boring, whiny beginning. Boring, whiny characters. Boring, whiny writing. Enough cliché to drown in. One of the villain’s is described on the blurb as an ‘evil ex’. I think I only finished this book (that I’m sure Tolkien would have used as toilet paper) so I could laugh at it. Ha ha ha.
Matched by Ally Condie
Brownie points for an average idea Ally, but I’ll have to stop the positivity there. Meet The Giver; An Horrific Rip Off That Takes Everything Good About The Giver And Somehow Makes It Awful Without Changing Any Of The Ideas. I barely remember what happened in the actual book, just what happened while I was reading the book- a lot of yawning. Contemplation of self-destruction. Homocidal thoughts towards Cassia. Tears for those who receive Ally Condie’s genes. Worst features: characters who can only dream of having as much personality as a brown paper bag. Stolen dystopian society. ‘Deep’ ‘pondering’ and ‘mysterious’ characters who are too ‘deep’ ‘pondering’ and ‘mysterious’ to say stuff about their past and thus write them on napkins instead.
UnEnchanted by Chanda Hahn
The fact that there are two fairy tale retellings on this list is depressing. Such amazing ones exist, but its books like UnEnchanted that give the sub-genre a bad name. I think this book secretly wasn’t meant for entertainment, but as a formula for writing the worst book ever. Or as encouragement for self-destruction. 90% of the book (I know, because I read it on iBooks, and it shows the percentage read along the bottom) was Mina pining after a plastic and cliché member of the male gender who picks her up in his red sports car after he runs over her bike, which she leaves in his driveway in a fit of embarrassment; she goes to his house as a cleaner because she’s embarrassed about saving him from an unrealistic death at a bakery. Joy. The other 10% was her fighting the evil never-aging bakery owner who wears red lipstick, before coming to an unsatisfactory ending. The one exciting part was when she got mugged at the library. I hoped she was ruthlessly murdered and replaced with a better protagonist. Worst features: selfish, ungrateful, stupid main character that made you root for the villains. A writer who makes unrealistic, random, and contradictory things happen because she can. Writing that wouldn’t win a competition for those aged 6 to 9. Annoying rich person with annoying rich person name (Brodie Carmichael. Really?) who does annoying rich person things to make themselves seem charitable. Please promptly throw yourself in a vat of poison, book. Otherwise someone else will read this book and inevitably do that first.
Thankfully, I’ve also read some amazing books this year, otherwise I would be actively seeking a method of self-destruction. Books like If You Find Me, The Outsiders, The Miseducation of Cameron Post, Adaptation, Unwind, She Is Not Invisible, The Coldest Girl in Coldtown, The Graveyard Book, Cinder, Flowers for Algernon, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and the Time Machine, among countless others, have restored my dwindling faith in humanity. I better stop writing this post before I start violently convulsing on the floor and frothing at the mouth. Please leave recommendations for books that I can read for medicinal purposes, so as to counter-act the horror of these works of ‘literature’.